Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
shampoo implies shampee
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.