Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
my mind
You just read my mind
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.