MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
#Caturday
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.