friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time