list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
no regrets
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.