Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
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Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
We need to put an American base on the sun
Godspeed, John Glenn
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked