My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The dark side of Canada
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.