Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”