The old gods are rising again.
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.