Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Him: don鈥檛 you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it鈥檚 not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what鈥檚 the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Date: I鈥檓 not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Hubs: You wouldn鈥檛 believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid鈥檚 piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: I want a book for Mother鈥檚 Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven鈥檛 read yet?
Me: How dare you
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.