Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?