Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
You Might Also Like
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Cake!!
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?