Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.