Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!