The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.