I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Solving a traffic jam
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.