If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too