WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”