husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
calling in to work dehydrated
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.