My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident