I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks