[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call