My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink