People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself