Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Ovenable?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.