FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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Not all heroes wear capes…
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no