Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.