friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Every damn time
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit