My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“What movie?” 🤔
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha