My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
You Might Also Like
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.