I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Heroic Misunderstanding
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
🤣🤣🤣
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.