Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.