They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.