It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
*ernest hemingway voice*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.