ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
seems fine
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
this is me
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old