An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Same pineapple, same
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.