I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.