“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
You Might Also Like
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
me hitting on a model
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.