All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
…żyje?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year