Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Love is always patient and kind.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
plant them where lol
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”