Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.