if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I am never leaving this website
This makes total sense…
Autocorrect completely socks
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.