Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*