4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.