waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
emergency phone
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.