boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.