[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Brb my Sims are getting married
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy