[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back