alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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Mmmm canned fish.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Current mood: Potato
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no