there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
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Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Just how popey was the pope today?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light